Christmas photo shoot..

I finally got them done! We tried a couple times and I could either get Connor to be happy or Brenan to be happy, neither one was happy at the same time as the other. I think they turned out pretty dang cute though!

Two Month checkup

OK, so I officially have a fat baby. He just hit two months old yesterday and he is totally off the charts. He weighs 15 pounds 4 ounces and is 23 1/2 inches long. He is on the top of the charts for his height, but is completely off of them for his weight. The doctor asked me how much he was eating, and said that I should try to hold off and stretch his bottles out to 4 hours in between. Other than that, everything looked great and he said I should just keep doing what I was doing. They gave him his shots and he screamed until I put a bottle in his mouth, then he was fine and after he ate he fell asleep. He woke up a couple times in the store to look around and see where we were, but other than that has been asleep since.

Little Grinner!

My little Connor is grinning up a storm. He thinks it is pretty funny to just chew on his bottle instead of actually drink it.... at least when he doesn't think he is starving, he thinks its funny. He loves to look at Brenan and apparently, they have some sort of inside joke because they will both start smiling and giggling when he hasn't even done anything. My camera died as I was taking these pictures so I didn't get the really good drunk grin that he does, but these are still cute. I can't believe he will be 2 months old tomorrow!! Brenan can't see the camera come out without having to get "cheesed" with his little brother! Aren't my boys cute!?

Happy Halloween!

We did not get very many good pictures this year because Dad was in a hurry. Everyone kept saying "oh what a cute little cow!".... UM.. hello! Its a theme! A fireman has to have a dalmation doesn't he?? He is the cutest little dalmation puppy I have ever seen! We tried to get a picture of the little tail, but it didn't show up very good. They had fun, at least Brenan had fun and Connor stayed awake the whole time. We went to a Halloween carnival and it was not too bad, but Brenan got hot and wanted to leave, so we didn't get to do all the games they had. Its almost a month later and we still have candy.

Been a while..

This last picture is from when we were still in the hospital. His dad was holding him and he just couldn't resist peeking. The others are from after we got home, obviously. I cannot believe how much he has grown! Brenan thinks it is really fun to hold him, feed him, and kiss on him. He would even change diapers if I would let him. Everytime he walks past he has to rub his head or kiss him. He always says "Cute, is him?".. At least we all agree he is adorable.

Two week appointment

Connor is growing like a little stinkweed. He now weighs 9 pounds and 12 1/2 ounces. He also added 3/4 of an inch to his length since he was born. He has the same problems with milk as his brother, so he is on soy formula and I hope it will help with his sleeping problems as well as the pooing and gas issues. He has his days and nights mixed up, so his mama is pretty tired, but other than that, all is well. Brenan still thinks he is the cutest thing ever and loves to hold his bottle for him and gives him loves and kisses all the time.

Look at those cute cute cheeks!!

What a great big brother. Brenan just loves that little guy. He is always asking to hold him and tickle him and he loves rubbing his soft little head and giving him loves.

Introducing Connor Morgan Kirk! He was born on September 24th at 7:34 am. He weighed in at 8 pounds 10.7 oz and was 21 inches long.

Preterm labor..

So, a few days ago, I started having some cramps. I kept thinking they were like stomach flu kind of cramps, maybe I had picked up a bug somewhere or something, so I didn't worry too much about it. I went on about my day. They started at about 10 am. After I had fixed lunch for myself and Brenan, they got worse. It still made sense that it could be stomach flu and eating just upset it, so I still did not think too much about it. After the hubby woke up, he wanted to go get some pizza so we went and got our nephew and went out. The guys all ate pizza and I ate a breadstick, but couldn't take any more than that. While we were at the restaurant, the pain from my stomach started going into my back. That is when I started to get worried. After the pizza, we went to watch nephew play a softball game. While there, the pains got even worse, and I was really not feeling very well. We went over to the inlaws house so hubby could get a soda after the game, talked to them for a few minutes, and then I finally told hubby that if he wanted me to go to the hospital, we better go now. Off to the OB department we went. We got there and checked in, peed in a cup, got into the gown, got hooked up to the monitors and waited. It didn't take very long for the nurse to come in and tell me that I was, in fact, having contractions. It was the real deal and if they couldn't get them stopped, I would be flown out to Salt Lake. The hospital here does not deal with preemies any earlier than 35 weeks, and I am only 32. The nurse said that the doctor on call really liked to run tests so she hoped we had good insurance. Hubby says "can't you just call our doc?" She said she knew him pretty well and she was ok with trying to call him first. He was on vacation, camping with his kids and grandkids. We really lucked out and she got ahold of him and told him what was going on. He told her to give me a shot every 15 minutes to see if the contractions would stop. So, that is what she did. I was given the first shot, and had to wait 15 minutes to see if the contractions were gone or not. I still had more, so they came in and gave me another one and we waited again. After the second shot, I only had one little teeny one, so they just waited a little longer than the 15 minutes and when I didn't have any more, they decided it was ok to let me come home. It was almost 11 by the time we got home, but Brenan was filthy from the softball game so I wanted him to have a bath anyway. I got him all ready for bed and finally fell into bed myself at about midnight.
As bad as I felt that day, it got worse the next day. I was still cramping and really not feeling well. All I wanted to do was lay down. Of course, with a 2 year old who is a tornado, sitting or laying around all day is not an option. I am finally feeling a little better now. My stomach is still a little sore, and still a little crampy, but nothing like it has been the last couple days. Some people complain about all the technology we use these days, but I am quite grateful for the science and technology that the doctors and hospitals have to ensure the health of my baby.

More good news..

The bank has decided to accept the short sale offer so we can consider our house officially sold! Woohoo! This takes such a load off my mind. I kept saying it wouldn't matter either way, because the house would no longer be ours, but this way saves our credit a little bit and we can still get out from under it without all the foreclosure stuff. We have to wait until the realtor gets the paperwork from the bank, then all we have to do is wait for the guys loan to close. He is already approved and everything else like that, so I really don't think it will take a full month. In some ways, I hope it does take the full month, because we can't move into our new apartment until Sept 15th, so it would be nice to not have to store everything for just a week or so.

Happy Days...

I have been very frustrated and upset over a lot of things going on in my life right now. That is why it has been so long since I posted anything new. I don't want to just come in here and complain constantly. It gets old for me to say it and most of you really don't want to have to read it either...

I can honestly say I am more happy in my life right now than ever before. Things are going great with the hubby, almost like when we were dating again! I am very happy with my son and my new baby that will be coming in the next couple months. I still don't know what the bank is going to do about the short sale or foreclosure of the house, but I did find a new place to live and its in a nice area and big enough for everything we need and is affordable. Best thing about it is, I don't have to move to Salt Lake! I was really not looking forward to being stuck out there on my own with all the family 3 hours away and hubby gone driving for who knows how long at a time. It would have made Brenan have no one to play with, and that made me really sad to think about taking him away from his cousins and grandparents. I don't have to change doctors, I don't have to change hospitals, I get to stay here with all the family that I love! I just feel like a weight has been lifted. The only thing about the new place is we can't move until the middle of September. If this baby comes as early as Brenan did, that will only give me about a week and a half or so to get everything unpacked and put away before dealing with a new baby. That is pushing it a little more than I wanted to, but it gets me into the place I want and in the town I want, so I will deal with it.

It actually feels a little weird to not be worried about everything. Even in the happy times of my life, I always had something that was just skewed enough that it put a damper on things. I guess the possible foreclosure of my house could be that right now, but I am really not worried about it anymore. They will either accept the offer, or they will foreclose, either way it won't be my house anymore and I have just decided its not worth stressing out over. Everything is good and happy. I don't think I have ever had a time where I could sit and think about things and have a smile on my face while doing it instead of being all worried or crying. This is how we were meant to live. Happiness is a wonderful thing!!

Oh, the drama!

So, for some reason, Brenan thinks that change tastes good. I have no idea where he found it, but he swallowed what we think is a nickle. It is either a nickle or a quarter, couldn't really tell for sure from the xray picture, since it is digital and can be resized smaller or larger.

We were driving to the laundromat to clean our comforter and had only gotten a couple blocks from our house when I heard him choking and gagging on something. I pulled over real fast to see if I could help him get it out, but he started throwing up when I stopped. He puked for what felt like a really long time, although it couldnt have been more than a couple minutes. I got him out of his seat and out onto the ground, where he continued to throw up. I stripped him off, cleaned him up as well as I could and put him back into the car so I could clean off his seat and the back of the car. There was a huge pool of vomit in his car seat, so I just got in the car and drove home so we could take the seat out and take the cover off to wash it. While I was cleaning, he started throwing up again. All over me and it puddled in my lap... what fun! I stripped off, finished cleaning his seat off, I had put the cover in the washer, so I put all of our clothes in there with it to get all the puked on stuff clean at once. Then we went and took a bath.

For the next three days, every time Brenan tried to eat anything very solid, he would start throwing up again. I was finally able to get him in to his pediatrician and she ordered an xray to see what it was he had swallowed and where it was in his system. At that point it was in his stomach, so it was past two of the hardest parts to get through. I had to put him back into diapers, and search through them to see if I could find the "foreign object" and make sure it came out. I never did find it, though it was "fun" looking!.. At his last xray, we were told it was no longer in there so luckily, he got it out on his own and it will be causing no more problems. It was scary there for a while because they were talking about having to do major surgery on him to get it out if it stayed stuck in there. I am so very glad we don't have to go through that.

Fishing...

We have gone fishing four times so far this year. Brenan loved it when we went last year and he just begs to go almost every day. He now runs around the house with an old phone cord flinging it around, saying he is fishing. He tells me he needs more worm and power bait about every time he casts. When he "catches" one, he comes and makes me take it off the hook and give him more power bait.. It cracks me up! When he gets done fishing, I have to "cut fishies", because he watches his dad gut them after we are done and ready to go home. The kid just pays way too close of attention to stuff we do. He just barely found an old diaper bag, put his fishing pole in it, and said he had to go get more power bait and needed to go to town. He put the diaper bag over his shoulder and went to wait by the back door so we could go get more power bait. I think its funny that that is what he calls it because we normally use worms and salmon eggs, not power bait. I guess maybe I need to get him a little tackle box so he can really have some stuff to play with.

Second baby shower???

Ok, so the message board I am on all the time has this question a lot. Is it ok for a person to want a shower for their second/third.. etc. baby?? I still have all the big stuff, the crib, the swing, the walker.. but I gave away all of the clothes I had for Brenan smaller than about 18 months. Even if it was totally without gifts, I think all babies deserve their own party. Why should we only celebrate the first one? There are people that say "just throw a 'meet the baby' party after you have him/her"... With having a c-section, a newborn, and a two year old tornado, I am really doubting I will feel like planning and throwing a party. There are people on there who get really crabby about it, saying that the moms who want showers for their subsequent babies are being selfish and using their babies for their own personal gain.. to get the things they want. I don't see it that way. Why is it wrong to want to celebrate your new baby with your family, just because you already have a child at home? And, even if the parents do have all the big stuff... every baby uses diapers! Like I said, it is not about the gifts, or getting the things you want, it is about celebrating life. Birthdays are a big deal to me, it is the only day of the year that only ONE person is celebrated. They are being celebrated just because they are here and with us. Why should only the first baby in the family get that celebration before he/she is born?

This morning..

I did not go to sleep until almost 2:30 this morning, I have too many things running through my head. We have gotten an offer on the house, but it is right at $60K less than what we owe on it, and then they want to take closing costs and realtor fees out of that, so the bank would get even less. It upsets me that our realtor even thought this was a good idea, the offer came from her daughter and son in law, which I really don't think is ethical in the first place. Now there is another couple wanting to put in an offer, and they want to rent the house from us until closing so they can get moved down here, they are from out of state. I talked to hubby about this and he said it was fine with him, as long as the bank accepted thier offer first so we knew that they were really buying it. That was the plan anyway, so that was ok with me too. Now, our realtor decides to go out of town, so I have no idea how long it is going to take to get this couples offer so I can submit it to the bank. I was hoping to submit both offers at the same time, so that the bank can choose which one they like better, without having to wait.

Anyway, I had the whole swarming mess of thoughts swirling around in my head... how long it is taking, how upset we are at our realtor, where we are going to live if we do get the house sold, where we are going to put our stuff because we know it won't all fit in an apartment... then the baby stuff, worrying about how tired hubby was when he went back to driving last night after coming home just to shower, everything snowballed and got all mixed up.

Brenan came downstairs at 6:30 and I was really not ready to get up, so I had him come lay by me. Luckily for me, we both went back to sleep. He normally does not do that, so he must have still been tired or he got comfortable fast enough that it escaped his mind to wiggle enough to keep himself awake. We slept for awhile, then my bladder woke me up.. love being pregnant! Brenan woke up not long after I did, even though I was still laying in bed next to him. He told me that he had a dream about a moose that came and told him hi, then played with his toys, then bounced around with him... funny kid. He then had to pull the covers down and see if the baby was ok. He worries as much as I do I think. He put his head on my belly and was talking to the baby, asking him/her if s/he was ok. Then he told me that he could hear the swhoo swhoo swhoo... baby heartbeep. I asked him if the baby was sleeping in there or swimming around. He said baby was sleeping. He laid his head back down on my belly, sat up real fast like something had startled him and said.. "baby swim! silly baby".. and was patting my belly.

Isn't it amazing how easily we forget what really matters. I mean, yes, having a place to live matters but really, as long as I have my little boy and his baby brother/sister... it will all be just fine. Brenan brings me back to earth so much that I don't know what I would do without him. He is so sweet and cares about other people so much that I really wish I could be more like him. I have cut back so much on the negativity while driving and in stores, because I don't want him to learn it. For not having a very good night, I had a great morning, because I get to spend it with my little man and he makes everything ok again.

camera shy..

I know Brenan is not camera shy, whenever he notices one pointed at him he poses and says "cheese!". He does these little dances and sings songs all the time, but I can't ever get it on film, because when he sees me with the camera, he just stops and looks at me with a silly look on his face. Every time I get on to look at other peoples stuff he comes in and tells me he wants a song. I was looking at my sis in laws blog and it was playing "Don't worry, be happy", Brenan was wiggling around and dancing. He came over to the computer desk and was hanging on to the edge. He started wiggling his little bum and said "shake me booty!". I really want to get this stuff on film, because it is hilarious to me! He is growing up so fast and it makes me sad some days to realize that he really is a little boy now.. not my baby anymore. I would also like to get it on camera because my hubby is not home for most of it and he would think it was really funny too. I guess I will have to get better at hiding it.

First fishing trip of the year!

On monday, Daddy had the day off and was bored, so we got out our fishing licenses and poles and drove up to Steinaker. Not really great fishing, we didn't catch a thing, but we had fun and got some sunshine. Brenan liked the sand and helping his dad reel in the poles. There were some friends there that kept honking at him, not sure if he liked that or not... He took off over to the other side of the little cove we were in and was playing in the sand and throwing rocks in the water to watch them "plash!". His hat kept coming off and we would tell him to put it back on or come back and let us help him... you can plainly see which he decided to do. Such a goof!

Playin outside.

Ok, so yes, he is wearing a hoodie and no shoes! He doesn't like shoes any more than his mama does, so he goes without them every chance he gets. His dad won't let him go anywhere without shoes, so he really thinks he is getting away with something when I let him play barefoot. He likes to pose and say "cheese" for me, so there are a couple posed pictures, and the other one he was trying to 'quirt' me with bubbles. Luckily for me his bubble blower doesn't work all that well or I would have been a sticky mess that day.

New haircut.

Brenan's hair was getting too long for my liking. He kept tipping his head back and shaking it back and forth, tickling his shoulders with his hair. I decided it was time to cut it off again. He has some really cute little curls that I love, but we had to cut them off. He sits really well with his feet in the sink, and watches me as I cut off his hair. He thinks it is pretty funny. He does a great job and always thinks he is sooo cute afterwards. This is him showing off his new haircut.

T-ball

I know he is only 2, but he loves playing with anything that has a ball and anything outside.. so this seemed like a good idea. This is the only present he got at Easter. Everything else in his basket was eggs filled with stuff that is really not good for him. Bad momma moment, I know, but he enjoyed it. He actually did great with it. Its pretty funny, after he hits the ball he hollers "me get it, me get it!" and runs after it for all he is worth. He gets upset if anyone else runs to get the ball for him. He hits it fairly accurately for as little as he is. It was so much fun watching him play ball with his daddy.

Easter

Ok, so I know it was a month and a half ago, but I just barely got the pictures to download to my computer, so it will just have to be late. He is a cutie, isn't he? These are from the Easter egg hunt my family did at my parents house. He really had no clue what he was doing, but he had fun!

doctor appointment.. so frustrating

I don't know if frustrating is really the word for it or not, but I didn't know what else to use. I had my third doc appointment today, and the doc said at the last one that we would do an ultrasound at the next one.. which would have meant today... right?? Well, I get in there and he gives me the order for it and then tells me that I have to wait 2-3 weeks to actually have it done, because he wants me to be at least 18-20 wks along. I know this is pretty normal for most people, but for me, it is awful...

When I was pregnant with Brenan, I was taking blood thinners from a stroke, I had gestational diabetes that showed up way early, and with my female history, I was high risk. I had 6 ultrasounds total, throughout the entire pregnancy. I got to see my baby so many times that it got me spoiled. I know I got "lucky" the first time, and I really do feel blessed to not have any of those problems plaguing me this time. It was really nice to be able to see my baby and know that he was growing and healthy. Only having one ultrasound throughout the entire pregnancy is torture!! I know, I know... women have had babies for many many centuries without this technology, and they just had to wait it out and they survived, but for someone in this century, it should not have to happen that way.

As for the appointment itself, it was fairly uneventful. I am measuring 14cm, have lost another pound so I am down 7 from when I started, good blood pressure, no protien or glucose in the urine.. no problems at all. Until he asks if I have been feeling movement. I tell him yes, but the last few days I haven't felt anything. He says "why didnt you call?" UUMMMM... because I figured I was early enough along that it was pretty normal for the movement to not be consistant on an everyday basis. The baby is still small enough that he/she could have changed position so I just didn't feel it as much. I was not worried about it until he asked me why I hadn't called them. Then he says, "Ok, so if we can find a heartbeat, we won't be as worried about that statement"... IF you can find one? What do you mean IF you can find one?? Don't mess with this pregnant mama!! So, I got on the table and he tried to use a drop of water instead of the gel stuff for the doppler,... uumm ok. After about 7 minutes of trying to find the noises he needed to hear he says, well lets try some gel and see if that will help the contact. It took him another 4-5 minutes after that to finally find a heartbeat. He told me that he was hearing fetal movement, so he was not worried about the baby being ok anymore, but he still wanted to hear that heartbeat. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, he found it! Then, he didn't count it so I still don't know how fast it is. He said if he had to guess he would have said between 150 and 160, so it was pretty fast. So, all in all, everything is good. Now for the waiting part... I hate it! I guess at least this way my husband can try to schedule stuff around so he can maybe be there for this one. He only got to see one when I was pregnant with Brenan, and I think he sort of felt left out, because I got to see him so much before he was born.

so funny!

I find my son to be hilarious! I am sure some people get tired of me telling stories about things he does, but he is just so dang cute! I have decided Brenan thinks that we eat out a lot. When we go through a drive through, he just can't deal with having to wait for the people in front of him to get their turn. He tells them go "go people" and "out the way". Usually he only gets this way when he is really hungry or tired, but its still a little embarassing. We were stopped at a stop light and he told me he wanted his window down. I rolled it down for him and he was looking at the car next to us, it had some girls in it, so he was fascinated because he is a major flirt! What he started doing next had me laughing so hard that I almost missed the light when it turned green! I had tears rolling down my face. He leaned over to the window and started hollering out. He said "chicken, fies, chocamilk"... he was ordering lunch!! Apparently, he thinks when we eat out that I just yell what I want out the window and someone gives it to me. Oh, if only this world worked that way...

kodak camera

this thing is totally ticking me off today. I have about 30 pictures on there that I wanted to put onto the computer so I could post some of them, and so I could play with the editing instead of always going to WalMart to print them. The only ones that will show up when I try to add the pictures to the album are the ones that are on the internal memory of the camera, not the ones on the memory card. They show up as being there, but there isn't a picture, just a little X in a box. I tried to upload them anyway, and then I get told that the file wasn't there or was damaged. I can look at them in review mode on the camera, but I can't get them onto the computer. Don't know if its the camera, the memory card, or the computer, but I am getting a little frustrated!

first accident

So far Brenan has been doing really well with the potty training. He tells me when he needs to go, then he runs in the bathroom and pulls down his pants and puts his stool up to the toilet so he can get on. He has been in big kid underwear for a few days, instead of pull ups, even when we leave the house and has had no problems. Today, just a few minutes ago, he came walking - waddling - into the computer room and said, "peed mama". He was walking really funny so I had to laugh, but he didn't think it was funny. He waddled into the bathroom, trying not to get his legs wet from touching his pants. I followed him in there, and helped him out of his wet and pooped in underwear. After I got him cleaned off, he insisted he needed to pee again, so he got on and he actually did have some left.... lol, I think the poo in there freaked him out a little. We got him all clean, put new underwear on him, and he says "sorry messy, mama". He looked like he really thought he was in trouble. I just told him it was ok, that everybody had accidents, but when he needed to go again that he needed to tell me. He hugged me and ran out of the bathroom, all happy again.

Trying to decide..

Everyone keeps asking me if I know what I am having yet. I won't be far enough along for an ultrasound until my next appt, on the 1st of May. Hubby says he doesn't care if we find out or not, that it's up to me. I would like to know, just in case its a girl, so I can prepare a little bit since everything I have clothes wise is boy stuff.. but I am really not sure I want to know, if that makes any sense. Also, if its another boy, I have to get serious about finding a name for him. We used the only one we both agreed on with Brenan, so I have no ideas for another boy name. We have tossed a few around, but not really anything we both love. Brenan still insists he is naming the baby Knight, and I would be ok with using that as the middle name if we could come up with something for the first name that sounded ok with it. I asked Brenan if he would love it just as much if it was a baby sister, and he said no. Of course, I know he would, he has always loved all babies, but is especially fond of girls. He will love it no matter what, but I wonder if it would be better if he knew ahead of time, even though he is only 2 and really wouldn't know much of a difference. So, I am in limbo. I want to know, but at the same time I am not sure I REALLY want to know. I guess I have a couple weeks to try to figure it out... so when I schedule my ultrasound, I will know what to tell them when they ask if I want to know or not... what a decision...

Our trip..

So, even though we don't really have extra money to do very much lately, we decided we had to get out of town and go do something... anything.. to just let ourselves relax a little bit. We went to Salt Lake on Friday and went to a play off Grizzly hockey game. They lost really badly, but it was still fun. It was Brenans first game in real life, and he had a blast. He was running around and yelling at the players to "go" "shoot" and "get him"... lol. It was so much fun to watch him. He would jump up and down and cheer for them, even though he really doesn't know what they are doing yet. He was flirting with the girls around us, and the guy in front of us was feeding him popcorn, so he had a lot of fun. Then we went back to the hotel and he got to watch TV for a while before going to sleep. It was way past his bedtime, but he got in some snuggle time with his dad, so I let it go. On saturday, we got up and went to breakfast. After we got done, we went to Brenans new favorite place. We went to Hogle Zoo! He was really not happy about having to wait in line to get tickets, he wanted to "go see monkey!" Once we got in, he didn't last in his stroller very long.. he got out and was running around everywhere. He hollered "HI" at the animals that he saw, and would wave his hands at the ones that he thought were looking at him. He gives great commentary on what the animals were all doing. I was cracking up all day! He loved the white crocodile... It was hard to get him out of that building! He liked the elephants, was not real impressed with rhinocerus's, and laughed really hard at the penguins. The highlight of his day, I think, was the train ride. He didn't want to get off once we were done. After the train ride, we let him play on the playground for a little bit, then went to get lunch and go home. He was asleep pretty quick once we hit the freeway. All in all it was a great weekend. My only regret was that I forgot to grab the camera on the way out the door, as it was all very spontaneous.

Frustrated son...

This cracks me up so bad. I had to write it down so I don't forget later. We were headed out to pick up my husband yesterday and I had Brenan all ready to go. He had his shoes on, his jacket on, and had shut off the TV. I told him, "Ok, let mama go potty" and headed for the bathroom. He literally rolled his eyes at me and sighed like it was the most awful thing he had to do to wait for me and he said very clearly "Potty all day long!" Apparently he isn't too impressed with my pregnant woman's bladder. I started laughing so hard that I almost didn't make it all the way to the bathroom!

Telling the family..

I said earlier that I would write a new post about this, so here it is. I am very disappointed in the response that I got from my family when they heard what I consider to be great news. With Brenan, I could feel that people were happy for me. I got phone calls asking how I was doing, people stopped by to see if I needed anything... stuff like that. This time, it is like they don't really dare talk about it, because their true feelings might get revealed, and they are not happy about it at all.

I bought Brenan a couple shirts. One has a little alligator with a smaller alligator in its mouth, very cute, and it says "big brother in training". The other one says "This little heartbreaker is going to be a big brother". I love them. I think they are darling! I wrapped them up and had him open them for his birthday. I even read them aloud, but got choked up and couldnt really give details after I read them. It was like I could hear crickets chirping because no one wanted to say anything. My sister in law, who I had already told, clapped and said "Yeah"... but other than that, no one really reacted at all. I get told alot that we don't need another October baby, because we have quite a few on both sides of the family, but I honestly don't care. I don't care if it was born on Christmas!! This is my miracle and I want people to be happy about it... not negative! I am ecstatic, and my husband says he is happy about it as well. As long as it comes out healthy, with all ten toes and all ten fingers, he doesn't care about anything else. He says its up to me if I want to find out the sex or not. I know I will be having another c-section, because of the hospital I will be going to and the doctor I have, but I am ok with that. Its like because I already have one, no one cares that I am going to have another. It upset me, to not have anyone react to it and some of the comments I got. Maybe I am being too sensitive or whatever, but I was really hoping to get some happy thoughts. I even asked my mom later if she had expected that announcement... she said "I wondered... but not really." Nothing about any emotion whatsoever... just nothing. It might be because of the problems I have had with my husband... but if it comes down to it, I can raise two babies just as easy as I could one. I am so happy and so excited about having another baby that I can't even express it. I just wish I had someone else who was as happy about it as I am to share it with. I guess I have Brenan, he is happy! He is the only one I really talk to about the baby anyway.

History

My hubby and I have problems, and everyone knows it. He doesn't really treat me as well as he should, and my family really as problems with the fact that I stay with him anyway. I love him. That is all there is to it... that and the fact that it is easier for some reason to talk about the bad times, and not so much to talk about the easy/fun/loving times. He can be a very sweet person and very charming, he just doesn't do it very often. I had actually filed for divorce a month before I got pregnant the first time. This time, we were doing great and we had been trying for a while. I dared not tell anyone that we were trying as hard as we were, I didn't need the negativity adding to the rest of it. We tried for 8 months, and I got pregnant but lost the baby in December. It never showed up positive on a pregnancy test, and I hadn't gone to the doctor or anything. After I lost it, I talked to my doctor about it, and he said that since it never showed up, I either didn't really ever have a baby, like it never developed or it had died early on, and it took my body some time to realize it and get rid of it. I got pregnant again in January. I tested positive on the 3rd of February, it showed up really quickly and before I was actually due for my period, but I still wanted to wait until my doctors appointment before telling anyone. I was very nervous about either not actually having a baby in there, or having it not be alive.
At my first appointment, I talked to my doctor about my feelings and talked him into giving me an ultrasound to make sure there was actually a heartbeat in there. It was great to see that there was one. I told my family one day later (will post a separate one about that). I saw the heartbeat on the 6th of March, the day before my sons birthday. I am still having problems with worrying about losing this one, and have horrible dreams about it. I don't have any symptoms of miscarriage, so I have no reason to feel this way, really. I don't have morning sickness most of the time, I have thrown up about 8 times, but with no warning. I don't get sick or feel nauseated before hand.. it just comes up. I am extremely tired, never felt so tired my whole life! I don't remember being this tired with Brenan, I don't think I could work a regular job feeling this way, and I did with him. Other than that, I really can't complain about anything to do with the pregnancy.
I wish more people were happy for me, whether I am happy with the hubby or not, I would still want this baby just as much. I know people don't understand that, or they think I am selfish for having another baby when I told them I was leaving him again. I get so upset that I have to talk to somebody, and that is always the response I get. Leave him. I don't have the perfect marriage like some people do, but its still mine. I have started to not say anything to anyone anymore... I am tired of being judged for not taking the advice when I needed someone to talk to. If its bad, I will keep it to myself.. If its good, I will keep that to myself too, other than maybe posting it on here just to get it out. I don't have any friends that arent a part of my family, so I guess this will be the place to get it out and not actually have to talk to anyone.

Wow, what a feeling!!

I didn't do a very good job of writing things down when I was pregnant with Brenan, and I really regret not having those little details to look back on. I had to write this down, because I want to remember it later.

I just felt the baby move! I have thought that was what I was feeling a couple other times, but I am only 11 weeks and 4 days along, so it is really early to be feeling that. This time, I know for sure that that is what it was! That is the best feeling in the world, to know that my new little person is alive and kicking in there. I hope it sticks around, because I love that feeling.

Brenan the big brother...

I know Brenan is going to be a great big brother. He has always loved babies of all sizes. When he was really little, like less than a year old, he would freak out if he heard a girl baby cry... the boy babies, he just looked at like he couldn't figure out what was wrong with them. Those baby girls crying just ripped at his heart. He is so funny about wanting to see the baby. He will come over and just pull my pants down so he can rub my tummy. He came up to me the other day and wanted to see the baby. I lifted up my shirt and down my pants so he could see my belly. He lifted up his shirt and put his little belly to mine. He wiggled around saying "Nuggle, nuggle, baby" He was already snuggling the baby. He also has picked a name. He insists that the baby is a boy when anyone asks him, and he also tells them that he is naming that little boy Knight. He has said this multiple times, and he always remembers the same name. It has gotten to the point that my hubby has even started calling the baby Knight! Brenan had dumped his water out all over the floor and I walked in and said "Brenan, look what you did." He looked up at me with his serious little eyes and said "Knight did." He even told my doctor that he was naming the baby Knight. My doctor just laughed and said "well, thats a pretty cool name" He also tells me that he wants to tickle the babies bum... that one made me laugh. When he asks about the baby, he says 'tummy' and I say, "yes, the baby is in mama's tummy". He wants to have the baby in his tummy, and he gets upset at me when I tell him he can't. I told him he could hold the baby in his heart, because he loved it, and that seemed to satisfy him. So now, when I ask him where the baby is, he says "heart".
I know there might be that little jealousy thing that comes out after the baby is actually born, but I really am not expecting too much of a problem with it. He might want to hold it all the time, which could pose some problems, but I can't blame him for loving it too much.