My hubby and I have problems, and everyone knows it. He doesn't really treat me as well as he should, and my family really as problems with the fact that I stay with him anyway. I love him. That is all there is to it... that and the fact that it is easier for some reason to talk about the bad times, and not so much to talk about the easy/fun/loving times. He can be a very sweet person and very charming, he just doesn't do it very often. I had actually filed for divorce a month before I got pregnant the first time. This time, we were doing great and we had been trying for a while. I dared not tell anyone that we were trying as hard as we were, I didn't need the negativity adding to the rest of it. We tried for 8 months, and I got pregnant but lost the baby in December. It never showed up positive on a pregnancy test, and I hadn't gone to the doctor or anything. After I lost it, I talked to my doctor about it, and he said that since it never showed up, I either didn't really ever have a baby, like it never developed or it had died early on, and it took my body some time to realize it and get rid of it. I got pregnant again in January. I tested positive on the 3rd of February, it showed up really quickly and before I was actually due for my period, but I still wanted to wait until my doctors appointment before telling anyone. I was very nervous about either not actually having a baby in there, or having it not be alive.
At my first appointment, I talked to my doctor about my feelings and talked him into giving me an ultrasound to make sure there was actually a heartbeat in there. It was great to see that there was one. I told my family one day later (will post a separate one about that). I saw the heartbeat on the 6th of March, the day before my sons birthday. I am still having problems with worrying about losing this one, and have horrible dreams about it. I don't have any symptoms of miscarriage, so I have no reason to feel this way, really. I don't have morning sickness most of the time, I have thrown up about 8 times, but with no warning. I don't get sick or feel nauseated before hand.. it just comes up. I am extremely tired, never felt so tired my whole life! I don't remember being this tired with Brenan, I don't think I could work a regular job feeling this way, and I did with him. Other than that, I really can't complain about anything to do with the pregnancy.
I wish more people were happy for me, whether I am happy with the hubby or not, I would still want this baby just as much. I know people don't understand that, or they think I am selfish for having another baby when I told them I was leaving him again. I get so upset that I have to talk to somebody, and that is always the response I get. Leave him. I don't have the perfect marriage like some people do, but its still mine. I have started to not say anything to anyone anymore... I am tired of being judged for not taking the advice when I needed someone to talk to. If its bad, I will keep it to myself.. If its good, I will keep that to myself too, other than maybe posting it on here just to get it out. I don't have any friends that arent a part of my family, so I guess this will be the place to get it out and not actually have to talk to anyone.
1 comment:
How I wish people weren't so judgmental sometimes! I say that you can have and love this baby all you want and it won't make you one bit selfish. Bringing a child into this world is far from a selfish act--all you do thereafter is give, give, give, and not get a whole lot back besides big slobbery kisses and sweet smiles that make the giving worth every moment. I think people who have "perfect" marriages are kidding themselves. Who doesn't have issues? Mark and I have had our fair share, and there were a few times that we were both ready to throw in the towel. I guess it came down to me needing to remember the good times when he was shmoozing me and treating me like a queen instead of drowning in the sorrows of me doing everything around the house and having to give up all my interests and hobbies because he had to do the things he wanted to do. It's a perspective thing, I guess. Jeff is definitely a marshmallow down inside of him. I remember when he would pick me up by my overalls to give me the world's biggest, most painful wedgie, and when he would hold me and my siblings upside down over the stairs when he babysat. Yeah, thought he was a real winner. But now that I am older (I was going to say "more mature," but who am I kidding?!), I can see the awesome side of my Uncle Buck. After I had Cameron and he was less than a week old, Jeff happened to be up here in Logan and visited. I melted when I saw him snuggling with my new little one and wrestling with my rambunctious toddler. There is so much good in there. He just sometimes forgets. I happen to be related to one of his brothers that is the same way. Years of fun times for us in the family, tell you what! I love you, Karri, and I hope you consider me one of your friends.
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